you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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