ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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