The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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