i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
