you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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