So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The Olympian is in my bed
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
