I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize