I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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