i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
