i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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