When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
