I heard we made out
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
