Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
