I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
