need another drink. this is the easiest way
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
