So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
