at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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