whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
