Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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