Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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