I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
