apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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