its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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