life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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