She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
