ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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