Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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