That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
