I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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