my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
