mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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