I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
