Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
