fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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