Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
