Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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