You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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