I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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