remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
