I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
