My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
