Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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