Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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