he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We have so much sex to catch up on
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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