you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
