i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
