It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
