Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
