it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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