I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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